Poorly Worded Questions

“Do you want to teach an evening class at the community college?” my graduate school field supervisor asked. “No, thanks,” was my reply. That’s when I learned I was being given an assignment and not being asked a question. What makes a person ask a yes/no question when no is an unacceptable answer? Didn’t all parents learn, “Do you want to go to bed?” is a nonstarter when the intended message is, “It’s time to go to bed”?

Too often, I’ve been lulled into believing a question was a legitimate inquiry when it was not. Asking “What do you think of (fill in the blank)?” after the deed is done is not seeking feedback. It’s too late to ask if you’ve already committed to the purchase, the contract, the reorg, etc. Comment should’ve been solicited before the decision or action. Sadly, leaders continue to think it’s okay to ask after the fact—to somehow make it look like they’re being inclusive. When they have to fess up that the decision is a done deal, it breaks trust. People aren’t stupid; the next time, they won’t talk at all.

Each of us has been on either side of this question equation. We’ve asked questions for which we don’t want an answer or want a specific answer. And we’ve each been frustrated by thinking our input was sought when it wasn’t. A common example of that is a fait accomplis followed by “what do you think?” in an attempt to fish for a compliment or reassurance. If turning back is not an option, don’t ask. It’s a lot more truthful to say, “Tell me you like my new haircut” when you want the compliment than to ask, “Do you like my new haircut?” What’s a no answer going to get you? The hair has already been swept off the floor. If you know what you want them to say, just give them the script. Because training people to lie so as not to hurt your feelings can lead to them hiding other information.

An opinion masquerading as a question is looking for agreement. These queries often begin with the words, “Don’t you think…” It’d be a lot cleaner to state their point then ask if you agree–if they even want your opinion. Or they could just state their case and be done with it.

Some interrogatives are designed to criticize. Many of us learned at mother’s knee to have a defensive response to anything starting with “why.” Of course, voice tone has a lot to do with how a why question is perceived. There’s a big difference between, “Why do you think that happened?” and “Why did you do that?”

So, what are the take aways from this ramble on questions?

• Decide what you’re seeking before you ask. Great uses for questions are gathering information, opinions, and/or broadening your thinking or options.

• If you are being directive or declarative, just spit it out. “I want you to…” or “I think…” The recipient may not agree with you but using a question for a demand doesn’t assure compliance either.

• Be cautious with “why” questions. If you want to get to the bottom of a mystery as opposed to blaming or sparking defensiveness, you might use words such as, “I’m curious about…” or “How do you think…” Make sure to modify your tone of voice to be inquiring vs. punitive.

When my supervisor asked me if I wanted to teach that class, I was naïve enough to think I had a choice. Finding out I didn’t (and being punished for my response) did nothing to ameliorate an already troubled relationship. The expectation that I’ll read someone’s mind for the correct response ticks me off. In protest, I might not answer as predicted by the asker. Or I’ll respond literally to the words and not the intended meaning. We’ll chalk up my rebelliousness to all those directives masked as questions that I endured as a young person. Perhaps this is not my proudest admission but I will continue to stand by the belief that we can be clearer about what’s a question and what’s not. Anyone have questions?