Learning to Ask for Help

Ten years ago, I had a surgery that changed my life. Fortunately, it eliminated symptoms such as sound-induced dizziness and hearing my heartbeat. But it left me without a middle ear and my brain wasn’t able to rewire to factory settings. Now I have vertigo, a sensation of pitching forward upon descending stairs or a steep hill without a handrail. If I become unsteady, instinct takes over and I unceremoniously plop onto my butt. Those behind me exclaim with alarm and I’m mortified. My work-around (if I can’t avoid stairs) is to put my hand on someone’s shoulder. If they’re one step in front of me and descend at a slow pace, my brain is reassured about where I am in space.

This is not a serious condition, just inconvenient. However, two self-imposed issues have elevated its impact.

1. Not surprisingly, I avoid situations where I might have the sensation of vertigo because it’s so unpleasant. It’s one thing to avoid stairs in preference of a ramp or elevator if available. It’s another thing to decline an event altogether because of bleachers or a balcony where there’s a high likelihood of no handhold. That’s a decision to limit my life rather than ask for help if needed.

2. It embarrasses me to ask for assistance as if I’d be admitting a character flaw or old age. In an act of mind reading, I presume that people will be annoyed and delayed because of me. To date, no one has shown impatience, so this is all in my head. Besides, as Eleanor Roosevelt said, “What other people think of me is none of my business.”

I offer my examples to underscore how fear limits choices and how hard it is to ask for support. Do either of these resonate with you? Have you ever refused an appealing offer because of fear? Can you remember deciding to do something on your own even when it was risky because you didn’t want to ask for help?

Fear often comes wrapped in the thought, “What if I can’t…?” when the internal message could just as easily be “How can I…?” Take the bleachers example. The limiting self-talk is, “What if I get stuck up there and have to come down on my butt?” That takes me to mortification and dread. A different message could be, “How can I assure I feel safe coming down from bleachers?” which invites problem solving. The first question either results in a call to decline an invitation—or if I decide to go, excessively obsess about it. The second question suggests creating a plan to be executed if needed, then letting go of the fear.

The fact is that we all need help at various times whether we want to admit it or not. In our desire to avoid the temporary discomfort of stating needs, we can end up causing harm. Take the person who is injured on the job because they didn’t want to ask for a hand. Now their colleagues have to cover for them while they’re recuperating.

How might this relate to you? Here are some starter questions for you to adapt to your specific situation.

• Am I limiting myself through anxiety to avoid something? What’s the cost to me or others?

• Do I create unnecessary workarounds to dodge the direct but scary route? What’s the cost to me or others?

• Have I been putting myself or others at risk by an “I-can-do-it-myself” ethic? What’s the cost to me or others?

• Do I use the mantra “I hate to put people out” as a rationale for why I don’t ask for help? What’s the cost to me or others?

If you think you might have some issues with how anxiety limits you or how a reluctance to ask for help is impacting your life, here are some tips:

1. Accept the current situation. Blaming yourself for having a need is pointless. Today’s reality does not necessarily predict the future. However, it is the current state so accept it and stop apologizing for it.

2. Ask for assistance or advice about how to solve a problem. Most people want to help if they can, it makes them feel good. Note: this is not the same as repeatedly asking for help on a task that you have failed to learn.

3. Notice and accept the help that’s offered. The ego has a way of keeping us from seeing or taking advantage of what’s right in front of us. If it’s there and you could use it, take it.

I’m sure you’d counsel your best friend not to let fear severely limit their options. Are you willing to give yourself the same counsel? You’re probably amenable to helping someone and perhaps you enjoy being of service. Please let others do the same for you. As for me, I vow to do better too.