Hair-Trigger Reactions

“Louise?” she called in a high, whiny, plaintive voice. “What? I’m busy!” I snapped. The words just flew out of my mouth, triggered by her tone of voice. It sent my brain down a neuropathway carved by thousands of interactions with my mother. But it wasn’t Mom (RIP), it was someone whose identity will remain anonymous because this isn’t about her—it’s about me and my reaction.  

Maybe you can relate to having a knee jerk response that takes you down a well-worn road. I’m not sure that all the therapy in the world could to rid us of some of these lapses. So what’s a reasonably decent person to do if they generally wish to retain cordial relationships?

Based on my personal experience (like the whiny episode), counting to ten is a nonstarter because my executive brain functions aren’t engaged. It’s the amygdala that’s talking. Taking a deep breath before speaking will effectively intervene in that process but the self-awareness to breathe is often missing.

Rehearsal in advance of anticipated button pushes has potential. It is possible to build a different response muscle through conscious repetition. The questions are whether it’s important enough and happens with sufficient frequency to engage in the required effort. Literally changing one’s mind isn’t all that easy.

What is helpful is awareness of what sets off your temper flares so you can be on the alert for when they’re likely to be lit. Most of us know our hot spots. But it’s also useful to catalog mosquito-like irritations that cause you to snap.

I trained as a cognitive behaviorist. One of the things I would ask a client who had outbursts was to replay what happened in their body just before the response. It may take some experimenting (i.e., going through the woeful process at least one more time) if you can’t recall your physical sensations. Common ones are lightheadedness, flushing, hot ears, tensing muscles such as the jaw, shoulders, stomach or fists. If you can nail the physical component that’s all the self-awareness you need to intervene with a deep breath. Experiencing that feeling? Breathe! Now you have a shooting chance of getting back into your rational mind and choosing your words.

To sum up:

• Identify your most frequent triggers (big or little) for angry outbursts.

• Notice your physical sensations when the annoyance occurs.

• As soon as you feel that feeling, it’s the cue to breathe first, talk second.

• For frequent flyer situations, try rehearsing your actions and words to the point that they become a competing (and hopefully dominant) neuropathway versus your previous habitual reaction.

Nobody is perfect at this, including yours truly. Be gentle with yourself when you screw up. And last but not least, remember to apologize if you fly off the handle. Yours in solidarity!