My mother was someone whom we might now call “time blind.” She would start getting ready when it was time to leave which made taking her to a doctor’s appointment an exasperating experience. When I was a kid, Mom always set our clocks 20 minutes ahead which was useless because she’d do the math. In an attempt to manage the situation, many who live with someone like this resort to lying about departure times. It seems to work better than pleading.
I was of the opinion that chronic lateness was a result of not paying attention or having other, more important, priorities—and not caring that others were inconvenienced. However, I’ve discovered there are additional reasons for tardiness, “time blind” being one of them. The time-unaware don’t have the ability to assess how much time is required and/or aren’t able to estimate how much time has elapsed. This condition affects many with ADHD or autism, and others have it as well. This is not the same as being in the “flow” and losing track of time, a relaxing experience that many of us seek through creative pursuits.
For years, a member of our improv group was consistently late for rehearsals which I felt was disrespectful. Clearly, he was capable because he did show up for gigs and work. I finally asked (maybe demanded?) why he was always 15-30 minutes late. His answer surprised me. He thought he wasn’t critical to the group and that we wouldn’t miss him that much. It seems he had low self-esteem when I was assuming the opposite, that he thought he was more important and his time more valuable.
Unfailingly overdue employees infuriate managers who need staff to open the shop doors, be online or on the phone for customers or participate in the team’s work or meetings. For some jobs, being late without sufficient advance notice is worthy of being written up, suspended or even fired. Although in most places, the consequences are less dramatic. An occasional lapse is forgivable, a consistent pattern is a problem. I was taught a simple formula for coaching tardy folks which I’ve passed along in leadership training and coaching sessions:
Be specific about the expected arrival time—don’t assume they “should know”
Monitor performance so you’re aware of when they actually come in
Provide positive reinforcement when they show up on time (or close)
Use disciplinary action if they repeatedly fail to meet expectations
It occurred to me that I could use what I knew with my improv colleague. When he made an effort to be punctual, I expressed appreciation. He responded really well to the praise and began showing up before we started our session. “Thanks, I’m glad you’re here,” works a lot better than saying nothing which leads them to believe the effort made no difference. “Finally, you’re here when you’re supposed to be!” is hardly reinforcing to someone who is trying to change a habit to meet your expectations.
A few managers I worked with adamantly refused to praise that which should have been happening all along. All I could say was, “Notice the results.” If there’s spotty performance or they stop arriving on time altogether, consider showing appreciation when there’s a timely arrival. It’ll probably help, and it can’t hurt.
If you are related to or married to, housemates or friends with a frequently tardy person, you already know that complaining and nagging have limited results. Constant harping only strains the relationship. As enticing as it is to direct them, you won’t cure their problem by telling them what they need to do. Similarly, savvy managers recognize that the onus for solving the how-to-get-to-work-on-time issue is the employee’s, not theirs. You’re not their mom waking them up for school. The how-tos always rest with the person tasked with making a change.
If we’re the ones creating delays that affect others, we need to wise up and make adjustments. When someone I care about regularly keeps me waiting, I’m okay with natural consequences being the teacher. Continue to show up late and you miss the train/show/dinner or whatever. Paying the price will either move them toward timely—or it won’t. If it doesn't, you have a decision to make about the relationship. But before letting someone go, please remember the power of praise for steps trending toward improvement. It really can work wonders.
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